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Well, I was right. After writing VH – Day 3, things have begun to drift back to normal. Hitting snooze 47,000 times before getting up, stopping at CFA for breakfast, thinking negative thoughts at work, being super tired by the time I get home, spending most of the weekend on the couch, not being ready tonight to go to sleep. Last night I was up past 2am because of some weird dreams/thoughts while in bed before getting back up. Most discouraging was this morning when I told God I was still having trouble distinguishing between his voice/plan and the enemy. I should know better at this point in my life with Jesus, but I don’t. I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.

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Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)
Songwriters: John Mark Hall; Michael Jr Bleecker

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a Virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

‘Cause living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/casting-crowns-lyrics/glorious-day-(living-he-loved-me)-lyrics.html |]

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him
The grave could not keep Him from rising again

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my beloved one bringing
My Savior Jesus is mine

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day, oh, glorious day

Thanking God for three days of peaceful existence. God has been super-abundantly graceful to me in a way that I can feel in a very conscious way. I can’t explain the feeling and I would like it to stay this way forever. But I am thankful for every second he lets me feel this way.

Monday was the first day of my fifth year at work. That means four years of wasteland for me and still no end in sight. I’d like to say I’m not a loser, but I can draw no other conclusion. I work at a "ministry" that intentionally spends money on possesions that "moth and rust destroy and theives break in and steal" and doing tasks which don’t matter for eternity and, as a matter of fact, are exactly contrary to what matters – "grass whithers and flowers fade, but the Word of God will last forever."

My second day at work: Fine. Hot, but not too bad. Felt good. Took a power nap at lunch. It is raining right now (9:48 pm eastern). Put over $50 worth of gas in my 4-door tan sedan today. Ouch.

Category: Thank you God! – Got two picture messages today from our friends on their vacation. Both were of Chick-fil-a’s. Thanking God for thoughtful friends who remember the little things that make us smile. 

Category: Yeah, I think jealousy plays a role. – This morning, watched one of our veepees go into work carrying a Bible. I really don’t know what he does all day. I don’t know what his predecessor did either (who, incidently is now in a higher executive position). While I probably do have a valid point regarding the top-heavy organizational structure (I have five bosses, not including the people who are not my boss but think they are) and poor management philosophies (not to mention just plain ol’ poor managers), I think I was envious this morning that that guys gets to sit around and read as part of his job.

Category: "Do you want my honest opinion?" – A situation occured today that is symbolic of the poor management decision process and the poor working conditions me and my teammates deal with everyday. They decided to replace dead sod with new sod. We used a backhoe, a skid-steer and shovels. It took all day just to get the dead stuff out. I was asked my opinion. I liked the idea of taking the dead stuff completly out, but I suggested we go buy a sod cutter. Not gonna happen. But at least I gave my opinion. One day, maybe it will dawn on the inside-sitting, not-helping-us-but-still-making-decions-that-affect-us managers that it is far more expensive to misuse us laborers than it is to buy us the tools we need to do the job efficiently. If I were in charge, I wouldn’t treat my people like we get treated.

Category: Veiled Horizon – As I thought about that phrase today, I still don’t know if I am looking forward at a veiled horizon that is my future hope, peace and purpose, or if I am looking backward at a veiled horizon of faded sucesses, fading dreams and a wonderful past.

Today was my first day back at work from vacation. Not bad. Felt good most of the day. I am calling this series of posts "Veiled Horizon" because I am hopeful that my wilderness wandering is coming to an end. The wilderness being mostly my job, but there are other things where I feel I am in the wilderness. I got the term "veiled horizon" from The Fellowship of the Ring, which I am reading during lunch. I am in the chapter called "The Old Forest." They are in a forest and can’t see where they are going, etc., because of all the obstacles in front, behind, above and below. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise. (Isaiah 43:18-21)

Category: Why does it bother me, other than jealosy and bitterness? – On the breakroom wall, I found a note from and inside manager regarding our workload for this coming Friday. We are helping someone move. The name was vague, but because of the first name, I immediately thought it was another inside manager we are helping move. I don’t know for sure who it is and I’m not going to ask. I think it bothers me because when my teammates and I need help, we don’t get it, but when the inside managers need help, we have to drop everything and help them, even on personal projects like the one on Friday. It is not right, but God wants me to be a servant. I just wish my heart and mind were how God wants them to be instead of set on the flesh.

Category: Why do I still cuss? – I swore again today. I was mowing with the x-mark and got caught on a branch. I should of been thankful that God rescued me from my foolish decision, but instead I swore when I got free. Funny thing, though: I wasn’t really mad. I just reacted and then it was over.

Category: God, I wish I felt thankful. – I was eating my peanut butter sandwich for lunch and I looked at it and said to myself: "God, I’d like to feel thankful." On the other hand, I feel very, very, very grateful for the safety God has granted at work (and my commute).

Category: Thank you, God! – On the way to work, I was begging God to let me cut grass today and when I got to the garage, on the whiteboard was written "cut grass" next to my name.

Safe by Phil Wickham (Feat. Bart Millard)

To the one who’s dreams are falling all apart
And all you’re left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you’re not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong he’ll never let you go
Oh you’re not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
‘Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise
So hear Him now He’s calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
They are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
To break our chains and set us free

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Our pastor has been preaching through the words of Jesus that he spoke on the cross. I haven’t written much about it in my journal. I have not really been there mentally or emotionally. I had looked forward to the series, but I’m just too burned out and past the point of tired to really be all there. Is it a simple case of burn out and fatigue, or have I become so distant from God that the crucifixion and the Resurrection have faded from my life? I haven’t read the Bible in ages. Heck, I still have a few chapters to go before I finish the Bible-in-a-year plan I started in January of 2010! And the delay is not because I have been in deep reflection of what I read. I just don’t read anymore. I have been reading other books, but not God’s word.

So, Resurrection Sunday will come and go and I won’t stop to reflect. Nice.