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Veiled Horizon – Day 7

Well, I was right. After writing VH – Day 3, things have begun to drift back to normal. Hitting snooze 47,000 times before getting up, stopping at CFA for breakfast, thinking negative thoughts at work, being super tired by the time I get home, spending most of the weekend on the couch, not being ready tonight to go to sleep. Last night I was up past 2am because of some weird dreams/thoughts while in bed before getting back up. Most discouraging was this morning when I told God I was still having trouble distinguishing between his voice/plan and the enemy. I should know better at this point in my life with Jesus, but I don’t. I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.

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By Your Side

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

by Tenth Avenue North

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No matter what I think about the people or organization I work for, no matter how ridiculous a task, no matter how much goes wrong because managers won’t listen or lead, is it not a fact that my misery and my wasted years are a result of my still being out of the will of God? My laziness, my fears, my disobedience. Are not those the things that are the real problem?

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The Games Have Officially Begun

Work was fun today. WA had a staff meeting about what we haven’t done for them. By the way, WA is a "volunteer" organization that says it exists to serve WBT (the people I work for). Later on this morning, we got in trouble because we took a break before we swept up a sidewalk. A few moments later I got in trouble for following the same manager-approved proceedure that I have been following the last three years. Why did I get in trouble? Because I did not seek WA approval for following the same WBT proceedure I had been following the last three years. So, I had a conversation with my boss about the realities of WA and WBT that he still does not wish to acknowledge – that WBT cowers beneath WA’s manipulation. In my case, even though WBT pays me, it is clear by deeds that I and my crew work for WA and that I and my crew and my four managers exist to make WA happy.

What is sad is that last week, while I was on jury duty and away from work, I was treated so much better by people who don’t follow Jesus and I was so much happier being away from work. I am sad to tell people I work for a Christian organization because I get treated better by the world than by Christians at work.

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While on jury duty today (11/12/2010), out of the blue my heart started to pound rapidly and forcefully. I wanted to puke. I couldn’t move my head without wanting to puke. I was shaking. I had to ask for a break. When we got moved into the jury break room, my heart began to slow down and the shaking slowed. If only they could have given us an extended break like they had on other days. My stomach is still iffy even now.

I don’t know if the problem was because of the migraine or because of the migraine medicine. I don’t know if it was because I was tired. I don’t know if it was because I took the migraine medicine during lunch with a Vitamin Water and a 5-hour energy (Which is normal practice during my normal work day). I took a migraine pill one other day this week (although I’m not sure if I took it with a Vitamin Water and/or a 5-hour energy) but it didn’t affect me like this.

I felt embarrassed, humiliated, frustrated, irritated, sad. I wanted to continue, but I have been officially excused. I want so bad to go back. I was learning alot and things were starting to get good. Just today, I realized how much I enjoyed going to the courthouse everyday and not going to work (the snowbirds are flocking in, and the ugliness has already begun). But I was enjoying it for other reasons as well.

It is eight hours later and I am still sad. Kind of like a punch in the gut (which may explain why my stomach still has not gotten back to normal, even though other symptoms are gone).

This event may take me a little longer to get over.

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Really? No! Can’t be! Really?

Seriously, how can people still be surprised when they hear that a politician says one thing and does another? Worse, how can people be so forgetful about this trait that political advertisers constantly use it in their ads against their opponents as though it is something shocking?

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Apparently, Christian talk show hosts get upset when people mock Christians, the Bible, etc. People mocking Christianity? No Way!

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
   "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
      the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." (1st Corinthians 1:18-31)

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